Timmy’s wishlist to Santa from the hood

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Dear Santa,                                                       

 

                                                                    

 

  How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the         

 

  reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this 

 

  year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for 

 

  Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.          

 

                                                                   

 

  Merry Christmas,                                                 

 

                                                                   

 

  Timmy Jones                                                       

 

                                                                   

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

  Dear Timmy,                                                        

 

                                                                   

 

  Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves 

 

  are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little

 

 

  worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa

wouldn’t   

 

  want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll

bring

 

  you something you can go outside and play with.                     

 

                                                                    

 

  Merry Christmas,                                                 

 

                                                                   

 

  Santa Claus                                                       

 

                                                                   

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                    

 

                                                                   

 

  Mr. Claus,                                                       

 

                                                                   

 

  Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract,     

 

  set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way

 

  clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to

 

 

  turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that

a

 

  jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year 

 

  is a bit trite?

 

 

                                                                   

 

  Respectfully,                                                     

 

                                                                   

 

  Tim Jones                                                         

 

                                                                    

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                    

 

  Mr. Jones,                                                       

 

                                                                   

 

  While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,        

 

  need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no 

 

  way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue

legal 

 

  action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s

 

 

  have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident

 

 

  and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally,

the   

 

  exercise alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve

 

 

  your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks

like 

 

  the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.                     

 

                                                                   

 

  Very Truly Yours,                                                  

 

                                                                   

 

  S Claus                                                           

 

                                                                   

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                    

 

  Now look here Fat Man,                                           

 

                                                                   

 

  I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was       

 

  attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my

 

  friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my

 

 

  boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game

 

  console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT,

MAN!                                                             

 

                                                                   

 

  T-Bone                                                           

 

                                                                   

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                    

 

                                                                   

 

  Listen Pizza Face,                                               

 

                                                                   

 

  Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the 

 

  world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe?

 

 

  “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound

 

 

  familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I

 

 

  got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt

 

 

  people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s 

 

  pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting

 

 

  what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud

hole

 

  in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.             

 

                                                                    

 

  S Clizzy                                                         

 

                                                                   

 

  * *                                                               

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

                                                                   

 

  Dear Santa,                                                        

 

                                                                   

 

  Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.         

 

                                                                   

 

  Timmy                                                             

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