Heeere leethard leethard

Sooooooooooo I’ve had this lizard in my house for the past 3 days terrorizing the living fudge out of me! I even named his azz Phillip. Let me tell you about this little bastard. He made his first appearance in my den, sashayed across the hardwood floor like he freakin pays mortgage around here ok? I figured hey let me beat him with a broom then just sweep him outside cause you know that’s the normal thing to do when you’re scared shitless right? Ok whatever, so I hit him once and he sat there like

So I’m pissed right cause like I have better things to do I mean I only came to the kitchen for a bottled water and this freakin Terrorist will not let me be great , so later that eve I go to throw something in the trash can and pick up a piece of mail I had laying on the floor and Lo and freakin behold phillips little green ass is hiding under the envelope I KNOW I peed a little! By this time I’m 100 degrees , I grab the broom and sweep this little turd across the kitchen floor like I was Tiger freakin Woods and he was the million dollar putt. Ok the next morning I go to the fridge, and there is Phillip laying in front of the damn fridge not moving right, so I’m like thank god this bastard is dead, when I come home from work later I will scoop his stupid behind up and put him in the trash. I get home today and I’m looking everywhere for this little idiot. I’m like maybe a spider ate his remains or something right? No. I’m making a tuna sandwich and who is cha cha sliding their Azz across my kitchen floor in slow motion? Yup you guessed it Phillip Sadaam Hussein. At this point I just grabbed the first things in my reach which at the time was a can of W-D 40, a bottle of pinesol and a can of artificial snow flakes (don’t ask) so I throw and spray all this crap on him right now he’s cornered I swear he didn’t even blink once and I’m almost positive he rubbed some pinesol under his armpits. I feel defeated. I’m googling everything about lizards and all these superstitions cause you know us Haitians are superstitious as hell well apparently a lizard in your home means someone’s pregnant. Lmfao chile please I’m thinking *scoff* ain’t nobody even havin sex in this house so it damn sure ain’t me! Although Im so fertile that i gotta take a monthly pregnancy test even if I haven’t had sex that month. Cause I don’t know who looked at me, but anyway here I am terrified to leave my room cause I dunno what phillips status is, if his cousins pepe and juwan came lookin for him, if the combo of wd40, pinesol and artificial snowflakes gave him human strength I mean I just don’t know. My teen isn’t here and he’s the master of this stuff , he just speaks to them and they leave ;(
To be continued..

4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Anita
    Jul 16, 2012 @ 21:46:11

    WHAAAAA Dani… that is funny as all get out, you need a sitcom of that.


  2. Dorice
    Sep 18, 2012 @ 15:28:19

    lol i guess that lizzard was right 😛


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